Harry Goes To Springfield
Today
was Harry’s last day at Hogwarts; he was taking a break from wizardry school to
take a little vacation in Springfield with the Simpsons. “Goodbye Ron, I
hope to see u in a little while” said Harry as He shook hands with Ron “take
care, have a blast and see you when you get back” replied Ron. Hermione was
standing alongside Ron but she couldn’t handle her emotions anymore as her eyes
swamped her face with tears she grabbed harry and squeezed him tight “I’m going
to miss you Harry, have fun and see you soon” she cried.
Harry raced off straight away as
his train was soon to be departing from platform 9 and 3/4. Once he was on
board he felt a bit hungry and ordered food from the waiter
“Excuse me Sir, can I get a chicken sandwich please?” asked Harry
“Of course,” replied the waiter. He was just beginning to enjoy his lovely
chicken sandwich, as Hedwig the owl, which belonged to harry, came to deliver a
letter.
Harry opened the letter with excitement, it was from Homer! It read
“Dear Harry Potter we are so
pleased that you’re coming to stay with us for a little while in Springfield!
See you soon and hope you’re excited to be visiting us I’m sure you’ll love it
here Harry.”
Harry slept peacefully that night
and woke up the next morning only to have arrived in Springfield safely. He was
delighted at the sight of the beautiful city. As
soon as he hopped of the train the Simpsons family was waiting at the station,
ready to greet him.
“Welcome to Springfield Harry!” They
all screamed as they hugged him and helped him with whatever luggage he brought
along. They all jumped in the car heading straight home.
When they arrived at the house
Harry sat down on the Simpsons sofa and the couch swallowed Harry inside. Seconds
later it spat him right out and Harry reappeared with a very scared and
confused look. Meanwhile the Simpson family was dying with laughter as this was
a very normal thing that they are used to.
That night Harry
shared a room with Bart, as they were talking exchanging stories here and there
Bart suddenly asks; “Harry can you teach me a trick or two that the wizards do?”
and without
hesitation Harry pulled out his wand and blabbered
“Wingardium
laviosa!” and all of a sudden a flying mat appeared. They both hopped on to it
and away they flew through the windows.
“This is so cool!”
yelled Bart. They were taking a little tour through Springfield, they went
around the city passing by Bart’s school and then finally heading back home for
a goodnights sleep.
The next day Homer
walked into the room that Bart and Harry were sleeping in.
“Wake up boys!”Screamed
Homer, they both jumped out of bed with excitement. At the breakfast table
Homer announced that he was taking Harry with him to work at the nuclear power
station. Harry was now over flowing with excitement. Off they went to
the nuclear power station and all of a sudden when they arrived at the station
they happened to notice that sector 7G where Homer is a safety inspector was
having a nuclear meltdown.
Harry couldn’t
just watch what was taking place he knew he had to do something. He grabbed out
his magic broomstick and yelled;
“Stay here homer, don’t move! Il be right back” Homer knew harry was about to do something
brilliant but he was a bit worried for his safety but he smiled back and said, “Good luck Harry!” Meanwhile Harry approached the crippled power station
he pulled out his wand and castes a very powerful spell to stop the meltdown
that was happening at the station.
“Restaurar de nuevo las cosas a la manera antigua’’
Suddenly there was
a moment of silence and as things were getting better with the crippled station
a dark scary monster appeared out of the sky and with an evil laugh he said; “Harry do you think you can leave Hogwarts and stay here in Springfield
peacefully?”
Harry shrugged his
shoulders with disappointments and replied, “Do you really
have the nerve to follow me to Springfield? I shall eliminate you for good this
time!”
Without any
hesitations Harry whipped out his wand and casted a very powerful spell on the
dark monster, “strovanium gosta parfellhem evandavogh!” yelled Harry and
suddenly there was a big bright light explosion. After a few seconds the
monster disappeared.
Harry went back to
see Homer only to find the whole of Springfield there to greet him and
acknowledge his heroic actions. Only then harry realized that he saved a great
city from evil monsters and quite possibly a nasty nuclear explosion. Some of the people at the scene were crying in joy and
yelling, “We love you Harry! Thanks for saving our lives you’re our hero!”
Harry had to leave
and head back to Hogwarts so he farewell the Simpsons and quickly made his way
to take the train. When he arrived at the station the train was there waiting
for him. The train conductor yelled, “Mr. Potter hurry up will yah, were about
to depart for Hogwarts!” Harry was glad to have made it on the train.
Few hours later the train had arrived to Hogwarts and Ron and Hermione were
there to greet him with lots of love and welcome him home.
There are some wording problems that disrupt the flow of the story, as well as some grammatical issues. There is a bit of unnecessary pluralisation e.g.; “Simpsons” “disappointments” “hesitations” “monsters”.
ReplyDelete“Harry raced off straight away as his train was soon to be departing from platform 9 and ¾” I thought I should say that platform 9 and ¾ is at king cross station not Hogwarts.
The use of the word “which” when talking about Hedwig sort of implies that she is an object rather than a living thing I would recommend using “who”.
“When they arrived at the house Harry sat down on the Simpsons sofa and the couch swallowed Harry inside.” The wording of this sentence is a little off, I would recommend changing some of the words so that it will flow better. It’s a little bit too literal. E.g.; “When they arrived at the house Harry sat down on the Simpsons sofa and was swallowed whole.”
“Seconds later it spat him right out and Harry reappeared with a very scared and confused look.” The wording of this sentence doesn’t flow very well. I would recommend cutting out “..it spat him right out and..” this would improve the flow.
“Meanwhile the Simpson family was dying with laughter as this was a very normal thing that they are used to.
That night Harry shared a room with Bart, as they were talking exchanging stories here and there Bart suddenly asks;”
There are few grammatical errors above, such as; “was dying” should be “were dying” and “asks” could be “asked” (As this story is mostly written in past tense so should be consistent), also I would recommend breaking up the sentences with a few more commas, just so the reader gets natural pauses so that the sentences aren’t rushed.
“all of a sudden a flying mat appeared” I am afraid “Wingardium laviosa” only makes things levitate, not appear out of nowhere, which is what is implied by this sentence.
“they flew through the windows” could possibly be rephrased as “they flew out of the open window”
“over flowing” could be “overflowing”
“He grabbed out his magic broomstick and yelled” Where did he get it from? This might be considered inconsistent.
“Homer knew harry was about to do something brilliant but he was a bit worried for his safety but he smiled back and said” Probably should not be all in one sentence without commas.
“crippled” is an odd term to use for a nuclear facility in any state.
“casted” should be “cast”.
“big bright light explosion” probably omit “light” as this is synonymous of bright and adds too many adjectives to the explosion.
“so he farewell” might work better as “so he said farewell to”
“to take the train” might work better as “to catch the train”
The overall concept of the fan-fiction was a great idea, and with quite a lot of interesting plot points it was enjoyable to read, especially given the word limit.